Monday, October 20, 2014

PRESS RELEASE—Evgeni Malkin a Vampire?

Evgeni Malkin (far right) appears to be garbed for an initiation rite at the House of the Eternal.

Has Malkin been Turned? The LVH investigates.
(Quebec, October 2014)

Photos surfaced last night indicating Evgeni Malkin of the Pittsburgh Penguins, arguably one of the best hockey players in the world, has been Turned. The pictures were released in the guise of a Halloween party, with Malkin and other NHL players in full costume. However, the photos clearly show Malkin baring fangs and wearing traditional ceremonial garb used in initiation rites in the House of the Eternal, the fundamentalist vampire church that has become quite vocal about vampire rights in the lead-up to this fall’s mid-term elections in the US.

“If Malkin’s been Turned, he needs to contact us,” states Patricia Beaulieu, LVH Commissioner. “We have numerous rules in place stating that an NHL player, if he’s been Turned, must leave the NHL and play for the LVH if he chooses to continue to play hockey.”

“We have no evidence Malkin’s no longer human,” counters NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “It’s a Halloween costume, for God’s sake. Get your fangy heads out of your asses.”

We also reached out to Travis Payne, right wing for the LVH’s Chicago Cobras, whose fight with the NHL to have his name engraved on the Stanley Cup has been well-publicized. “Those fangs are fake,” says Payne, “and nobody has fangs that look that fake unless they’re wearing them over real fangs. Trust me on that. Malkin needs to face the music. They kicked me out of the league so fast it’d make your head spin—I don’t know why they’re waffling on this guy.”

More information as the story develops.